Well, well, well.....

What do we have here?

Sophia dipping her foot in the blogging world yet again? You besss believe it! I went on a solid two year hiatus. Not writing, not posting; not because I wasn't motivated to do so...I just felt as if I didn't have drive, direction, nor purpose. I'm slowly starting to realize and understand, direction doesn't matter. We live in a world that direction can take us up, down, around, backwards, loopty loo...and so on. I have about fifteen drafts just waiting for revision, but I decided to come out with a clean slate. So here it is.

Welcome to my new blog: Beauty From Within!

What is beauty? By Oxford definition it is (1) a combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form that pleases the aesthetic senses, especially the sight. (2) a beautiful woman.

Is it just me or did you cringe reading that definition as well?! Welcome to 2020 where the definition of beauty is very rarely perfect. Okay let me pause and take a step back...there is beauty found in nature, every single day, we know this. Waking up after an evening storm and seeing the grass greener than it's been...beautiful. Going for a hike, seeing the town at an elevation not experience...beautiful.

But how is this defined within a person? If I may with a solid reference, the limit does not exist. We cannot pigeonhole ourselves into a list of qualities, colors, shapes, etc for a human being. My sophomore year of college, I went with my roommate to go get a tattoo. The tattoo read "beauty is imperfection," and to be quite honest, it took me a while to wrap my head around that. I was young, naive, quite inexperienced with life as a whole, and couldn't wrap my head around anything that told me otherwise.

However recently, life has thrown curve balls my way (the Neo darting type ishh...a la Matrix, if you will) that has expanded my view into another dimension. The last time I wrote a blog post I was fresh in the world of grad school. I was Positive Patty, throwing around feelings like anxiety as if it was a piece of cake and something that I had to pray my way through and just keep trucking along with. L-O-L. What ended up coming my way was far more unfathomable. I went through quite the amount of financial downhills (the kind that get your vehicle taken away---I'm not lacking the vulnerability here people); working nights, averaging three to four hours of sleep everyday, working on making ends meet, while at the same time keeping up with my studies and clinical rotations. My second year, I met a man that I had been praying for my entire life. He saw me in a way no one ever had; believed in me, championed me, and allowed me to be unapologetically vulnerable. No matter how much he reassured me, I felt every insecurity creep into body. I was exhausted 25/8 which made my eyes feel saggy and swollen; in attempts to being "frugal" I was eating at the restaurant I worked at almost every shift causing me to hit a weight I never have in my life; and I was in the midst of sorting through family drama that absolutely deteriorated my emotional, mental, and spiritual health. I. Was. A. Wreck. Looking back on it now, I allowed these insecurities to define who I was.  I thought to myself, surely when I'm out of school, less exhausted, maybe about 10-15 pounds lighter, and feeling better about myself, I will then master the art of communication and we will be able to build our relationship to higher and stronger height. I assured myself I had time. I didn't. I instead endured heartbreak.

Here's where I take another step back. A breakup two days shy of one year seems like cake for a young woman who's conquered many obstacles and a couple hand-fulls of let downs. Surely I could get through a breakup. Two months in, I was coming to terms with the reality of the situation. He was what I needed in the time being, but not what was meant to be. Okay, Soph. You. Can. Do. This. Put your sexy girl on and get back out there! Two weeks after that I got news that shocked me more than I could even imagine. News that sent me down a three month spiral of disbelief, denial, and depression. A future that I was sure would one day be my reality got stripped from me, and was given to someone else.  I went through the gamut of ugly crocodile tears (a la Kim K), conversations (read: arguments) with God, conversations (read: arguments) with my family, middle of the night panic attacks...shall I endorse my therapist now, or nah?

Let's fast forward shall we. Present day. The world has quite literally shut down.  The thought of having to go through a period of physical distancing from other forms of civilization at the beginning was a nightmare. I am your classic case extrovert. Being alone is not my forte in the slightest. To be honest, I have a knack for using work and people to forget anything is wrong.  I was first at home in San Antonio, feeling like I was in high school all over again for the first couple of days (YIKES). It wasn't until my therapist, I'm telling you guys, she's good good, challenged me on intentionality. Friends, when I tell you this was a hand to forehead, I could've had a V8 moment, it was.  WHY HADN'T THIS WORD COME INTO MY MIND?! Intentionality has single handedly helped me throughout this time of silence, feeling every feeling that has come into my mind and soul, and the rest. It has allowed to me appreciate the time at home I hadn't had in years. It has allowed me to create a routine every morning that focuses on ME. It has helped me be a better educator and mentor to my students.

So why beauty? How do we create a full circle? Through this new form of intentional living, one thing I have been pondering on are the insecurities that have set me back throughout a majority of my life. What I've begun realizing more and more, is that beauty is in every imperfection we own. The tattoo makes sense to me now. It's not about shape, color, or anything Oxford wanted to pick at. It's through the asymmetries that we see beauty; it is the character in which we carry ourselves. Without owning up to our truth, and who we are, we shut ourselves out to world around us. We forget that intentionality exists. The gospel according to Dr. Brene Brown says, "It makes sense to me that the gifts of imperfection are courage, compassion, and connection, because when I think back to my life before this work [her research] I remember feeling fearful, judgmental, and alone." -The Gifts of Imperfection.

So here I am, back on yet another journey exploring and redefining even the most common aspects of life. Thank you for coming along with me.